Dove ad creates surge of unwarranted self-confidence

When the heat wave returned to NYC this past weekend, many took this as a free pass to strip down and beach themselves on the lawns of Central Park. Entering the park from at a variety of locations, one was immediately accosted by the over confident and "slutty." People squeezed onto every patch of grass like pregnant fish in a sardine can, and reported "not giving a shit" about the other people around them.

It turns out that this abundance of erroneous self confidence can be tranced back to Dove's ad campaign earlier this year. The campaign, geared towards promoting the beauty of "real women," displayed women with many different types of bodies laughing and having the best time ever. "When I first saw the ad," reports Cindy Lord, "I was like, "Wow they are all so beautiful," but I like still totally wished the one on the far right was bit skinnier." Others like Cindy were quickly inspired by the "fat girls" in the campaign. "It was so great to see that all these girls who like didn't care they were ugly," remembers Sandra Greer, "but then it got a bit out of control because people thought they were ok, but they like weren't."

Greer pointed specifically to her cousin who, she reports, "saw the ad and could like relate to these woman so well it was disgusting."

*I truly apologize for the spelling of "surge." This was written before my coffee and is completely unacceptable, but still pretty fucking ridic.

Hot Tips

While I don't make it a habit to post during the weekend, I was reading Cosmo in preparation for my absolutely wild and crazy Saturday night and I came across this (I will be following up with a another in depth Cosmo look on Monday--Don't worry). Embedded in the Promotions/Advertising section, and under the title "Hot Tips," was an ad for this:



Okay...HOW SLUTTY DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO BUY AN AT HOME PATERNITY TEST? Thank you Cosmo. I can't tell you how much I appreciate other good tips in addition to the "sexy move" that "works from 20 feet away." Now I can have sex from across the room and find out if he my baby's daddy all in one night.

Be Cool.

It's Friday and I'm still delusional: P.I.A.M.B.F. continues.





(many thanks to the English, who like to kiss strippers and go on dates, and my little sheep).

Be cool & have a good weekend.

Like when you help orphans--but this is for me

You know those emails you have to send out when you're looking for a job? The nice email asking for advice. You go onto your school network or whatever, find a really successful person and then email them like, "Hi, friend. Let's chat" then they're like, "No, I'm busy," and you say "OK" because you're "networking" and you're very good at it.

I've never had success story from this but apparently people send things like this and end up with a new friend/ "mentor." I think the concept of mentoring is pretty awesome . Whenever I hear people talking about learning new shit they're like "Get a mentor." How does that even go down? "Pardon me, but would you like to be a mentor? Like community service when you help out orphans--but this is for me."

Now--and it's hard for me to believe this story, since I blog and therefore clearly have no mentor--but it turns out that sometimes people are like "I WILL BE YOUR MENTOR" even if you're like, "You will not." My friend told me a story where he was at work talking to a female coworker. Afterwards, this older guy was like, "Be careful there, Rex Park. Hahaha" What are you even supposed to do in that scenario? "Oh, thanks for looking out for me. I was definitely going to have sex with this older unattractive woman but luckily you jumped in with your guiding hand and saved me."

I've included a list of ways you shouldn't sign these emails below. I've put "not" in caps, in case you're retarded.

Ways NOT to sign work/ "networking" emails

Love always,

Forever,

Peace,

BFFAEAE,

Makin' memories,

Chill,

Cool,

I heard you were a slut when you went to college here,

Whatever,

Antonia

20-Somethings Really Fucking Lazy

A cool looking photo of 20-Something doing something stupid

like thinking.

A new study with scientific evidence and proximity suggests that 20-somethings are now “really fucking lazy”. While the study did not put this age group within a specific timeline, it argues that being “20-something, or whatever” is like being stuck in a box that is also a blender. Follow-ups have yet to determine what this actually means.

Teach for These Underprivileged Kids, as well as artsy shit and worthless travel, punctuate the current post-college existence. In some cases, this Peter Pan bullshit even leads young people back to school for no reason whatsoever, where they continue to “study” and “hook-up.”

Refusing to get married out of college, they seemed convinced that they will be able to find the right partner after “dating” or “getting to know someone.” This willy-nilly attitude towards romance has resulted in the median age at first marriage shooting forward and out of control. Women, apparently gung ho about working in an “office,” refuse to settle down until 26.

Their dilly-dallying is compounded by a disgusting optimism, which plagues all 20-somethings. For some reason they seem to think they can do just about anything. And, caught in a romantic “sense of possibility,” they continue to explore their options. This nauseating self-discovery period gives 20-somethings the chance to live at home with their parents, like the losers they are. Even worse, privileged fucks with money are trying new things and finding a sense of self; instead of going straight into banking. Reports suggest “poor people” might do this too, but no one really cares.

While it’d be nice to think that happier, well educated, and culturally informed people might eventually make some sort of contribution, if they don’t stop thriving on hope and “volunteering” there’s really nothing we can do.

The writer’s last article was about anxiety.

I'd hate to have music but not sluts.

It's Pretend I'm A Music Blog Friday again! Yeah! I've given you two videos because I'm getting that fucking hip. Also, one has no sluts but the other does. I'd hate to have music but not sluts. 

The Underminer

Seven cameras used to take "silliest picture ever"

Last weekend, a group of girlfriends got together and took "like, the best picture ever." The picture, it was reported, was taken with a variety of cameras and from several different angles until "everyone looked cute."

"It was crazy," said Lizzie Bellows, from Delaware, "it started out with only like three people and then I was like, 'OMG! Everyone get in!' and then they did almost immediately." Everyone was dressed and look "totally hot" so they wanted to get a best friends forever picture because everyone was there. Before getting in a group everyone was reassured, respectively, "You look sooo good. You do. I promise." and "No, that's not slutty." 

Initially, when they took the picture, everyone was smiling and posing--but then things took a turn. "At first, we were all like  smiling and then we decided "fuck this" and took a silly picture." said Katherine Brown. " We were so silly but it's great because then, when it's tagged on facebook, people will  know that we are funny too." Brown added that she might even, "crop it" later and "totally use it for my profile picture." 


All girls expressed relief when the photographer agreed to use seven cameras. Bellows reported being particularly pleased because "Susan never puts up pictures" and she wanted her own copy. While all in all the experience was a positive one, Sally Hanson later reported to Caroline Stevenson she was "pissed" because "Lizzie always takes the side spot to make her arms looks skinny and it's really annoying."

She knows what's up.

So I was watching Lifetime yesterday and the thing about watching Lifetime is that the advertisements are either for depressing rape/murder movies or infomercials.  I know the snuggie has gotten some serious attention--because it's fucking ridiculous*--but you should know that a "blanket with arms" is only the beginning. 

 The Cami-Secret: 

The cami-secret is this special bib you put on your bra so that your shirt isn't low cut anymore because it looks like you wearing a lace camisole--clearly an arbiter of good taste--underneath. Ok, I don't understand. Like, don't buy a sluze top. There is even a part where her co-worker comes in and they are both wearing cami-secrets in different colors. The ad basically says this: Have huge tits but can't help yourself when it comes to slutty tops b?! DONT WORRY! Cover that shit up with this piece of fabric. It's even adjustable: decide just how slutty you want to be! Look at her face in the "Low" picture. She knows what's up, and it's not her cami-secret. 

*When I originally went to click on the snuggie link, a box popped up on my screen that said "you might be connecting to a website that is pretending to be "www.getsnuggie.com" Why are some sites pretending to be other sites? Like the site is only pretending. Be warned.

You'll never believe who I'm with!

A Couple of weeks ago, I talked about people who text for no reason. Now I want to touch base with people who call for no reason. I think family is probably the best example of this because they don't really need an excuse. Once I woke up at 7:30 because my phone was ringing. I picked up, assuming it was an emergency, and my mom said, "Whats up?"

Family can be especially dangerous if you call at the wrong time. Like if, for example, you call when they are with other family members. Then something like this goes down: Hey, you'll never believe who I'm with! That's right: our entire extended family and also people who we call "family" but are really just friends.They're all here! I'm going to pass you around, hold on! If you get the pass around you are fucked.It's like being stuck with a group of people who don't really have anything to say to you but all called at once to make sure they were right. Whenever my dad calls, our entire conversation is footnoted by David Foster Wallace. For example:

Me: Hi
Him: Hi, how are you? 1

Just imagine a whole conversation like that, they can go on for awhile. It doesn't even matter if you have nothing to say. My mother does it too. I was talking to her as I walked home, I got in the building and then told her I had to go because I was getting in the elevator and she was like, "Where are you going?" and I was like, "up."

1. How was your day? Bring me through you entire day. When you say that you went to the park were you on 95th or 86th? Oh, you know what, I just ran into your friend today and they are having the best time here. Have you spoken to them? Who were you at the park with again? That's so nice that you are hanging out with her again. Also, before I forget, I looked in the car and it seems you drove it. In the groves that make up the wheels there was what I'll call "debris." I can only assume this can also be identified as "road."

Off the Grid

I decided that Friday's are the day I can pretend I'm a music blog (and on Thursday's I'll wear pink. And pretend I'm a fashion blog).  I got this new song courtesy of the The Believer . The music issue is out now and has a bunch of good stuff. This is pretty funky. 

You there! STOP EATING

If you're walking down the street in New York you just might be lucky enough to come across this sign: Hey you! STOP EATING. See me here through the bramble? I'm here to help! Thanks for the note, Mount Sinai. I was trying to figure out ways to slim down and was having a lot of difficulty. But then, when I saw your sign as I stuffed a bagel in my mouth, I was like, Oooh that's how it works. One of the other posters says, "Stop smoking, pick up a hobby." I don't know why they assume smokers can't multitask. They are wrong. I wish I could have a cigarette but I am way too busy needlepointing this pillow for my grandmother and am very busy. 


Even those these are seriously dick posters, I appreciate them much more than women's magazines which are like, "Instead of meeting a friend for a drink, why not go work out together?" While I really appreciated the subtlety, working out with a friend may not be the most fun thing in the world; especially because people really like talking about going to the gym:


OMG I went to the gym today, did you go to the gym today? Oh you did? Yeah, I went forever, like forEVER. However long you worked out, add at least forty minutes and that was me. I like did the elliptical--no not the treadmill, eww I don't want big legs--and then did some repetition workouts. People checked me out. I was in Lulu lemon. Yeah, the racerback. So flattering. 

I absolutely guarantee you you can say it somewhere else

You may have seen the new BBM ads around. They are retarded. Luckily, since I have a blackberry, and toootally bbm, I thought I'd interpret them for you. The quotations are what you would find inside the bbm bubble like the one at the top.

"Some things you'd like to keep among friends" : Soo....you bbm them? This is like a super super good way to keep things secret. A loser might try to use your bbm, and they look, and then it just says "NO."

"You'll know they know you know they read it." Yeah I totes BBMed him and I fucking know he read it because I can see it right here. But now he knows I know and like it's super awkward. It's fine I'll just send it again. Do you think that was on purpose? Why didn't he respond; I don't understand. I'll just call him. Should I call him?

"When ASAP isn't ASAP enough." When that happens you fucking call. Oooh a text doesn't work. I know! I'll use this nifty device on my blackberry bc when it's a blackberry people respond faster because they respect you.


"The after party party" Yeah, hey! whats up with you! That party was like so fun!!! But you know what? Let keep this party going ON OUR BBM. Fuck yeah.


"Know for sure, not, 'like, for sure' " Someone asked me if I knew and I was like, "like, for sure." I don't even know what that means but it's exactly how I felt. Luckily, I was like, "fuck it; bbm me" and then I knew for sure.


"If you can't say it here, you probably can't say it." This just isn't true. I absolutely guarantee you you can say it somewhere else.

Special world of love

I always have a good weekend when I get to dance. I do "just want to dance." Here's a little thing dane doesn't address: the dance floor makeout. It's been argued to me that dance floor make outs don't count as cheating because its OBVIOUSLY just like a dance move: I'm just going to twirl you and then ah! my tongues in your mouth! But it's to the beat, so it's okay.

There's another element too. If you getting caraaazy dancin' with your girlfriends, and you look over and there are people making out on the dancefloor no one will every say, "Wow they are soooo in love. What passion." No, it's: "OMG she is such slut. Can't she just like have fun and not be a slut? NO. They are being ridiculous; it's gross. But if it's you. You do not think it's gross. In fact, you're probably pretty sure that absolutely no one can see you, like making out gives you special invisibility powers, or you've been transformed to the final scene of a movie where there's a make out at the school dance and the camera pans out and they are in their own special world of love.

I actually got my first kiss at a 6th grade dance. I'd been swing dancing with him and then we were all hanging out by the pretzels and soda, and he learned over and kissed me on the cheek. Let me preface this by saying that my mother had repeatedly been like, YOU ONLY HAVE ONE REPUTATION, and I did not want to be a sluze. So my boyfriend of like four fucking months leans over and plants one on my cheek and I said, "OMG I do not want to move that fast."

Alive

Don't worry, I don't think I'm a music blog. HOWEVER, since I live with my parents--and my dad listens to a lot of music--I thought I'd share this with you. It's also posting without doing anything.

Ways to look like you're working at a coffee shop:

1. Bring your computer; no one will take you seriously without it. Make sure to open a variety of windows so it's clear you're multi-tasking.

2. Don't order anything with whipped cream. Whipped cream is for little girls and for people who do not work at coffee shops.

3. Set out some books. You need at least two books. And the title should include words like "Economics," "Imperialism" or any multisyllabic word. One of these books should be big enough to warrant post-it notes.

4. Pull out your post it notes. Use them. Don't bring crazy ones with little arrows or "fun" colors. You are not here to have fun and you are not fucking around: the pages being marked are important.

5. Notes. Take them. Let people know you are both reading and criticising. Your notes are important; you will probably need them later and they have very sophisticated musings.

6. Every once and a while put your hair up and take it down. Or if you have glasses take them off and put them on again. This lets people know you are lost in thought but also taking time to reflect.

7. Keep your blackberry out. People should know you have one. Important calls could be coming in at any moment.

8. When you're finally done look accomplished and satisfied. Maybe even look around, see whats up with everyone else. See if your incredibly hot boyfriend came in to meet you--even though he knows you're busy and working.

This is my 100th post.

It's true. 

Last night we had a conversation, but all I remember is.....

Great lyrics & love this band.



And this one just makes you feel fucking great.

Hey, thanks, MACHINE

I would say I check my email one million times a day. Who knows what I'm even looking for? At the rate I check, I should literally be expecting a minute-by-minute update, from God, on every single Chinese person in the world. Sometimes, when I sign onto Gmail to check and read dozens of mail, I put make myself "invisible" on Gchat. I do this because sometimes absolutely everyone wants to talk to me and I don't want to spread myself too thin. Even though I know I chose to be invisible, I still find it really obnoxious when my email tells me I'm invisible like its fucking challenging my identity. "You are invisible." and then right there it also says "Go visible." I don't want an email account that insinuates.

You know how in the beginning of anti-depression ads some slightly overweight white woman goes, "Sometimes it feels like I have no reason to get up in the morning." Ok, well I literally have no reason to get up in the morning and then I sign onto to check my email and my computer tells me I'm invisible. Hey, thanks, MACHINE.

Like how come when your computer fucks up--not you; you did absolutely nothing wrong--the only options are "Ok" or "Cancel"? This inanimate object just lost all of your fucking work and the only options are "Sweet/Awesome" or "Whatever."