The Faster Times

Hi one billion + readers,

I am now blogging for Business Flannel on The Faster Times. This was direct result of the following blog names being unavailable:

NowI'mPoor.blogspot.com

PayingRentIsn'tCool.blogspot.com

IfItsNotCerealIWontEatIt.blogspot.com


DoormenAtNewBuildingsAreStillJudgemental.blogspot.com

NeighborsAlsoGiveYouWeirdLooksAt4AMWhenYouHaveFriendsSleepOverWhyAreTheyDoingThat?.blogspot.com

Living with your parents is cool

The name of my blog has been up for debate should the time ever arise that I move out of my parents house, but you know what: Whether or not I actually live at home has nothing to do with the inherent "coolness" of living with your parents. Living with your parents is cool. 

Okay, clearly setting you up here. Like when people tell you something really great and it's because they're about to manipulate the fuck out of you--you have to be on your toes. ANYWAY: I've moved out. I am not living with my parents anymore. Last night was my first night away from ma and pa, so I feel like I am being pretty honest with you here. Here are things I'm concerned about:

1. Food: Where will it come from? 

2. My room: how will I ever remember to clean it without being told? 

3. My current location 24/7: How will anyone know my whereabouts since my mother won't be able to give them an update?

4. Missing items: how will I find them if no one asks me where I last put them.

5. My computer and all other potentially electronic items: will they charge themselves? 

I was living my building the other day and I was pretty excited to be "getting my own place" so I told my doorman. I was like, "Guess what! I'm moving out," and he said, "Are your parents coming with you?"

It's been too long

If the last time you hung out with someone was a really long time ago, chances are you're going to get something like this "I haven't seen you in ages."

Let's break this down because it actually sounds kind of creepy. Actually let's throw in this gem of a comment too (just before we get going): "Where have you been hiding?"

Where have I been hiding? Super secret places. I tried to watch you from afar first but then I got much better at hiding--I can't reveal the spots, as I'm sure you understand--but they allow me a full view of you, and the things you are doing. Like that time you went to the supermarket and couldn't find the asparagus in the veggie aisle--I was actually right there, hiding, "evading" your glances, looking at you but never revealing my position.

2 am tomorrow morning:

This is about one step away from a calzone: Here wrap up this whole fucking pizza and eat it at once.

1. The Airplane

I've titled this "Airplane" so that I can keep with the transportation theme but it boils down to this: people who are so super silly when they shouldn't be.

This happened to me recently when I was on a flight at midnight. We're about to take off, the stewardess is giving her really informative information so when we all come to a water glide landing like the Hudson Miracle we'll be prepared. Does any of this sound real: We'll land on the water, then you can put on these nifty life jackets, and these big inflatable slides will pop out of the plane and you'll slide down. So she's talking and the person next to me is reading, and she goes, "Hey youuu don't read! I know you're not listening!!! HAHAHAHA!

Do not joke ma'am. This is not a time for laughs or jokes. We are tired and your sophisticated sense of humor is being lost. It's like when you buy a lot of chocolate at the grocery store, and they're like, "Is this all for you? HAHA" Um yes, it is. Do you have a problem with that? I'd rather you didn't laugh because I'm already going home to binge and eat my feelings and now, that you've made it worse, I'd love if you threw in that snickers bar on the house.

2. The Subway

You might think I couldn't possibly have any more to say about the subway. You would be wrong.

I was on the subway with my friend yesterday. Here's the friend sitch: He thinks music in the subway is awesome, I think it is the most annoying thing in the whole world. We've talked about it.

I hate when people play music on the subway--and they'll play super fucking loud--and then I have to avert my eyes or pretend that my headphones are fucking magic and there's no way I can hear whats going on because I'm already listening to some pretty cool jams. This is what happens yesterday:

Two Jamaican drum players come on the subway, one sets up two bongo drums and the other one has his guitar. And this is real life: They start calling out people on the subway who don't say hello:
"You reading the magazine, how are you? You not going to say anything? You're really not, you're rude." "Hey who can send us some positive energy?" This is was my worst nightmare realized.

Obviously the last thing I was going to send them was some positive energy, but you know who was? My friend, he sent them positive energy FedEx. So then when they start playing AND THIS IS FUCKING REAL they throw him a samba shaker so he can keep the beat in shakes.

3. Taxi

Here's a real story:

I was getting out of a cab last night, I had just passed over the cash money, and the taxi driver goes, "Close the door when you get out." Let me repeat this: I was leaving the cab, I had arrived at my destination, and he tells me to close the door.
WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY DO?

Excuse me sir, I know we've just arrived by I was hoping to leave my door open after I exited; in fact, could you give me a second? I think I could probably make it around the other side of the cab and open that door too. If you could get the doors upfront, I think together we could get a really nice cross breeze.

Nicki Minaj

I'll be writing an actual "post" soon, but here's some music to tide you over.

SORRY

I will be back this weekend. I've been in Texas. I can only imagine how devastating its been to have no new posts. 

Try listening to this song once

Collector's Edition

I was up in the Adirondacks this weekend and noticed a collector's edition of Jenga sitting by the game area. This made me start thinking about "Colletcor's Editions" what is the the deal? Like, here is some random crap but you know what? Now we're going to put this crap in a very special package so you can collect it. Hey, thanks. I wanted to play Jenga, but I wanted to play Jenga with John Deere stamped all over it. Why? Because I'm a Jenga collector and I don't fuck around with packaging.

Collecting is sort of weird to begin with. When I still played with barbies in like 9th grade, I'd always say, "I just collect the special edition barbies." What? NO. I played with Barbies, all of the Barbies. I would buy the ones in the special boxes to keep up the facade, and then I would take them out of their box and create lots of scenarios and change their clothes.

It's Friday, thank god

PIAMBF presents:

Here's to your Saturday

I can only imagine I ruined your whole Friday night since I didn't put any music up. SO here are two songs:

And here's a remix with two of my favorites (honestly, I DIE. Who could have thought things could get better):

I'm up

I don't know if you can see what time it is when I post this, but right now it's 6:54. I've been up since like 5:30, worked out, made some coffee. Now I'm NOT trying to be like, "fuck yeah, look at my morning. I am accomplished." I'm talking about being a morning person. I am obnoxiously a morning person. If you have a sleep over with me, I will roll over at 6 and be like, "Hi," and if you don't say, "I love you and you are the most beautiful person in the whole world" immediately, I'll wake you up. It'll be with something really self evident too; like, "Hey, I'm up."

The worst case scenario is if a bartender has been too compassionate and generous the night before. I'll wake up at 7 and be like, "I'm ready to greet the day!" Sometimes I'll put on the gym clothes, walk around a bit, and then realize that running right now wouldn't be safe. Another problem is that sometimes I'll go out and I'll buy completely useless stuff. When I was in college there was a store next the coffee shop  which was, to steal a fucking awesome quote from DeLillo, "so steeped in kitsch you could die from buying a postcard." There were like witty folders, funny magnets: where the fuck are you going to put these; crazy cocktail napkins: for all the cocktail parties you have; candy: stop eating, etc...Anyway, so I would go into this store and be like, "I NEED this." Then I would go home, pass out, and wake up again fucking prepared to organize things with a sense of humor and hold things on my fridge with a giggle.

Thanks, self

Every New Year people come up with resolutions but you know what? This year I've decided to look back on times I think I was already particularly awesome. Here are my favorite posts of 2010:

What I do all day from the perspective of my resume

Does he realize how ridiculously similar we are? 

20 Somethings Really Fucking Lazy

Can I have some? 

Whenever I pass him I use my "hey" move

I think thats probably enough self-congratulations. Thanks, self.

Two Songs

Sorry I didn't give you any new years eve songs. I'm sure, without a doubt, you turned to me and then I let you down. Here are two:

Some great pop:



And some nice alt stuff (this band is SO good):