Saturday, February 26, 2011

It's been too long

If the last time you hung out with someone was a really long time ago, chances are you're going to get something like this "I haven't seen you in ages."

Let's break this down because it actually sounds kind of creepy. Actually let's throw in this gem of a comment too (just before we get going): "Where have you been hiding?"

Where have I been hiding? Super secret places. I tried to watch you from afar first but then I got much better at hiding--I can't reveal the spots, as I'm sure you understand--but they allow me a full view of you, and the things you are doing. Like that time you went to the supermarket and couldn't find the asparagus in the veggie aisle--I was actually right there, hiding, "evading" your glances, looking at you but never revealing my position.

2 am tomorrow morning:


This is about one step away from a calzone: Here wrap up this whole fucking pizza and eat it at once.

Monday, February 14, 2011

1. The Airplane

I've titled this "Airplane" so that I can keep with the transportation theme but it boils down to this: people who are so super silly when they shouldn't be.

This happened to me recently when I was on a flight at midnight. We're about to take off, the stewardess is giving her really informative information so when we all come to a water glide landing like the Hudson Miracle we'll be prepared. Does any of this sound real: We'll land on the water, then you can put on these nifty life jackets, and these big inflatable slides will pop out of the plane and you'll slide down. So she's talking and the person next to me is reading, and she goes, "Hey youuu don't read! I know you're not listening!!! HAHAHAHA!

Do not joke ma'am. This is not a time for laughs or jokes. We are tired and your sophisticated sense of humor is being lost. It's like when you buy a lot of chocolate at the grocery store, and they're like, "Is this all for you? HAHA" Um yes, it is. Do you have a problem with that? I'd rather you didn't laugh because I'm already going home to binge and eat my feelings and now, that you've made it worse, I'd love if you threw in that snickers bar on the house.

2. The Subway

You might think I couldn't possibly have any more to say about the subway. You would be wrong.

I was on the subway with my friend yesterday. Here's the friend sitch: He thinks music in the subway is awesome, I think it is the most annoying thing in the whole world. We've talked about it.

I hate when people play music on the subway--and they'll play super fucking loud--and then I have to avert my eyes or pretend that my headphones are fucking magic and there's no way I can hear whats going on because I'm already listening to some pretty cool jams. This is what happens yesterday:

Two Jamaican drum players come on the subway, one sets up two bongo drums and the other one has his guitar. And this is real life: They start calling out people on the subway who don't say hello:
"You reading the magazine, how are you? You not going to say anything? You're really not, you're rude." "Hey who can send us some positive energy?" This is was my worst nightmare realized.

Obviously the last thing I was going to send them was some positive energy, but you know who was? My friend, he sent them positive energy FedEx. So then when they start playing AND THIS IS FUCKING REAL they throw him a samba shaker so he can keep the beat in shakes.

3. Taxi

Here's a real story:

I was getting out of a cab last night, I had just passed over the cash money, and the taxi driver goes, "Close the door when you get out." Let me repeat this: I was leaving the cab, I had arrived at my destination, and he tells me to close the door.
WHAT ELSE COULD I POSSIBLY DO?

Excuse me sir, I know we've just arrived by I was hoping to leave my door open after I exited; in fact, could you give me a second? I think I could probably make it around the other side of the cab and open that door too. If you could get the doors upfront, I think together we could get a really nice cross breeze.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Nicki Minaj

I'll be writing an actual "post" soon, but here's some music to tide you over.