Their hands were READY

Last night I went and saw Jersey Boys with my family. I definitely recommend going; it’s very good. Ok, whatever, NOW: I recommend not sitting behind a bunch of fucks, although this will probably be out of your control. Sitting in front of us, so basically within slapping distance, were people who liked to clap. Now I don’t mean at the end, I mean at the beginning of every single fucking song. I’m serious.

It didn’t matter if the song was slow or maybe a little faster: their hands were READY. And, since it was a musical, they were always sort of clapping. It’s like they would start to clap, realize it wasn’t picking up, quit, and then another song would start (shocking) and they would be like, “YES! a new opportunity!” Then, right behind me, were people who went "wooooooo" like they were a fucking train, every time a song ended.

It’s like when you go to a concert, which you have paid money for because you want to hear the musician, and then they stop the song at the chorus and hold the mike out to the audience so you can sing.The problem is then compounded because the audience is like “yaaa we’re like soo devoted we can sing the whole song” and then they keep going and they shouldn’t because that was the “deal” when you bought your ticket.

You plebeian

Before I went to boarding school I was like, “Wow, I better start listening to Bob Marley and Dave Matthews immediately.” I was clearly big on thinking for myself. To be honest, I grew up listening to Bob Marley—fuck Dave Matthews—but then listening to z100 got cool and I needed to get on that bus before I was the weird kid with the headphones.

I didn’t even know that the really cool kids listened to bands I had never even heard of. I mean the people that are like angry when you know the band they’re talking about: “Oh, shit, yeah, like everyone is listening to them [you fucking plebian], they’ve totally changed [you’ll never EVER know what they’re really like!]”

My new big thing is to get music from Gossip Girl. That’s why I watch. Nate and Serena are fucking for the millionth time and I’m just like, “Hmmm I wonder what that song is.” And then, if the end of the episode hasn’t been dvred properly I just got onto the CW website, see the names, and download it on itunes immediately and, if I’m lucky (which I always am) itunes will also recommend songs "just for me" and I’ll buy those too.

I look on music blogs now too since I’m such a fucking winner. I’m currently obsessed with this song.

Thanks HuffPo

So I woke up this morning to some more really depressing NY weather, had coffee for no reason (because technically I could sleep all day), and then checked the Huffington Post for some important news updates. If you want to see the most depressing shit ever then you can check it out. OR, being the generous soul that I am, I just collected them.

MURDER CITY
Great, I live at home with my parents in fucking "murder city." I thought I was at least safe but now I'm just a loser.

PATERSON HAD A KEY ROLE IN ABUSE CASE
And abuse, sweet.

WHITE POWDER SENT TO CONGRESSMAN WEINER'S OFFICE
Watched that shit on Law & Order. Not impressed or phased.

COYOTE CAPTURED IN TRIBECA
Ok, really? Because this is not Lost.

On the plus side, Michelle Obama loves our pizza. Sweet. MURDER CITY! MURDER CITY! AAAAAH! Sorry, not over it.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Has a Book

This makes me feel even worse about the fact hat I don't. Luckily, it's been torn apart in the best way possible

Books

People also ask me what I'm reading and what to read. So, with that in mind, here is a list void--for the most part--of unprecedented sarcasm (I'm not trying to turn this into a book blog, I'll just throw this stuff in once in awhile). I've sort of borrowed the format from Nick Hornby's old column in The Believer.

Currently reading:
2666 by Roberto Bolano

Just read:
Let The Great World Spin by Colum McCann
Light Years by James Salter
The Untouchable by John Bainville

Books that sit by my bed because I DID start them but then got distracted:
Herzog by Saul Bellow
A Good Soldier by Ford Maddox Ford

Books I bought to feel good about myself but have no intention of reading soon:
Sabbath's Dinner by Philip Roth
Underworld by Don DeLillo

Book that seems ambitious but I like to think about reading:
The Museum of Innocence by Orhan Pamuk

My LIFE is in 3D so I'm sort of an expert

Over the past week people have asked me, “What exactly do you do during the day?” and they are serious, and I am seriously like, I’m not really sure; however, one thing I did do last week was see Alice and Wonderland in the afternoon with my mom. And, because we wanted the coolest movie experience around, we saw it in 3D since we weren’t going to mess around with some 2D bullshit. The great thing about seeing 3D at our theater is that we didn’t get douche cardboard glasses we got super hip wayfarers in order to ensure that, if we turned and looked each at each other during the movie, we could think, “cool” and not, “loser.”

Ok, fine but guess what, my LIFE is in 3D so I'm sort of an expert, yeah, it’s true, every day—just when I’m walking around or even sitting!—things have depth. If my job were to say "real" and then "not real" I could do it. I'm that good. So like even when crazy brambles are flying towards my glasses, which protect me from danger, I use my “perception of reality” to evaluate the situation and I’m not tricked. When I was watching Alice in Wonderland, at no point do I think "OH MY GOD DID I END UP HERE?!!!!!" Like when people saw Avatar and said, “OMG it’s like so real, it’s crazy,” I was like, “Blue people: that shit is fake” because I fucking knew the difference.

I "see you" James Cameron, and I know you're lying.

Friday Night

You should know before watching this that the "shake weight" is a real excercise tool shown on a real commercial, which I happened to watch on TV last night.

Student Sends Email from Verizon Wireless Blackberry

(An old OTR article from one that never came out)

Last night Amanda Harper ’11 was just too lazy to walk over to the computer. “My blackberry buzzed,” she remembers, “and I had received some like group email. There was no way I going to get up or lean forward and use my laptop.” After working at JPMorgan last summer Harper received a blackberry, and now claims she “totally can’t live without it.” Harper admits that emailing from her blackberry is especially appealing because it includes the message, Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry"

Although Harper revels in format of her emails, others are far from convinced. “Once I received an email from Amanda,” remembers her friend Kathryn Lyman ‘11, “and it said ‘ Yo slut. Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry’. I mean honestly, it’s pretty obnoxious. I felt like a) I’m not a slut and b) fuck your blackberry.” Lyman expressed further annoyance in that the emails she sends are now considered pedestrian: an insecurity Harper immediately confirmed, stating “She definitely sends her emails from a computer—probably from a desktop too.”

Acquaintances pointed out that, “This is typical Amanda. As soon as my newsfeed read, ‘Amanda Harper has installed the Facebook for Blackberry Application’ I knew if was over,” said Tyler Lee ’10. He further explained, “I mean it’s sort of bullshit because she doesn’t even have a real Blackberry; she has a pearl or whatever.”

Harper pointed out that she couldn’t email everyone about her blackberry and Facebook was really the best way to go. “It was just my way of telling people I had stepped my game up,” said Harper. “I’m just disappointed you can’t personalize the message at the bottom of your email. I mean how great would it be if it read, ‘Sent from my Verizon Wireless Blackberry, bitch’”

High excitement: my dogs on tv

It's another dog post...let's all just go with it. Pretend I just went on some sweet trip and now I'm giving you some deets. People love that kind of stuff, and look, at least I'm not making lists this time.

Luckily, your mom came and sat right next to me!

Have you ever seen a really haggard kid? Like when people show you their child and you go, “Oh my gosh, she/he (it!) is soo cute,” and you know you’re fucking lying and they probably know you’re lying too, because there is just no way their kid is even moderately attractive.

You have to be careful how you interact with kids in public places because you can get trapped talking to them for way too long. Like, for example, if you’re hanging out in coffee shop and someone doesn’t have their kid on a leash and so they just walk over and are like, “what’s up?” and you have to say, “hi” in some stupid little voice because you don’t want to be an asshole and ignore them, or say “hi” in regular voice, which ultimately comes off sounding annoyed because that’s how you really feel. But it never stops there, it’s like by acknowledging their presence you are saying: Yes, I just want to hang out and talk with you forever because, no, I didn’t actually come here to be alone, I came because I saw your mom walk in here with the stroller and I thought, “fuck yeah!” At first, I was really worried that we wouldn’t get to sit together, because the whole place is pretty empty, but luckily your mom came and sat down right next me! Phew!

This type of thing actually also happens to me when I’m walking my dogs. People stop me and want to pet them and then they start talking to them, and then my dogs licks them and they go “ooh kisses!” and I’m like, “yeah, my dog just ate a huge shit

“Victim” reports being super annoyed but, in general, not caring

Two years ago someone stole the gas cap from ’87 Volvo, which is probably the dickest crime in world. It’s obnoxious because it’s not really even a crime; it’s just like really annoying, like, man-up and at least slash my fucking tires. So I didn’t go to the precinct because I feel the report would probably be like: “Victim” reports being super annoyed but, in general, not caring.

However, I was walking on 86th street yesterday and someone took my wallet straight out of my bag. I have a really quick shout out to that person: Hey, thanks friend! Thank you so much because, while you will gained absolutely nothing from my wallet since I don’t have any money, I now get to go down to the DMV and get a new license! That’s right! I now have something to do with my day: a real life task that needs to be accomplished. It’s sort of a foreign feeling but I’m feeling good about the possibilities. I’ve built up a lot of “potential” sitting at home doing nothing and now I get to go all the way to 34th Street, wait in line, get my picture taken, and numerous other cool things I probably don’t even know about!

So there’s that—my DMV trip—and then I also called the precinct to report the crime because of identity theft and the woman who answered the phone asked me if I knew who it was. Yes, I did. This guy took my wallet and I was like, “Hi, sorry, sir, excuse me but I think you took my wallet." but he didn't answer because he was being stealth and undercover like a criminal, and I said, "That’s mine please give it back,” and he was like, “No,” and so I said, “OK.”

BLAAARG SNOWBALL!!!

I think maybe we were all a bit overwhelmed by the double post last Monday, and that is why it was necessary to take a week off. It was also necessary because of the snow. That’s right: when it snows everyone becomes paralytically and debilitatingly mesmerized (note: those should be words). For example: “I was going to go to the movies and then it snowed” It’s like when I wake up and think, “I was going to go to work and then remembered I didn’t have a job.”

I think the worst part of snow is actually the aftermath. You’ll be walking outside with some people and then—and it only takes one person—someone is like HAHA snowballs are so fun and crazy, and they throw one at your face, and this is like only fun for maybe the first two snowballs and then you think, “ummm okay, I’m done” and they’re like, “BLAAARRG SNOWBALL!!!!” and they fucking hit you again. It is not fun; the fun is over. It’s starts out super silly—we are waaay to old for this but boy are we having fun—and then it needs to stop. It's like that Coke commercial they ran during the olympics and all the other countries are having fun in the snowball fight, and then the guy from Canada is like, "I just want my coke." And he's right.

First there are snowballs, and then all the fucking snow starts melting. You’ll be walking along in your UGGS, which you wore specifically for the weather bc you fucking know they’re ugly but they are still weather appropriate, and you know what? you’ll step in a huge puddle, and then just as you’re like, “ugh” but still feel like you’ve recovered by making it to the other side of the street, you walk under an awning and get fucked by a raindrop.