Like when you help orphans--but this is for me

You know those emails you have to send out when you're looking for a job? The nice email asking for advice. You go onto your school network or whatever, find a really successful person and then email them like, "Hi, friend. Let's chat" then they're like, "No, I'm busy," and you say "OK" because you're "networking" and you're very good at it.

I've never had success story from this but apparently people send things like this and end up with a new friend/ "mentor." I think the concept of mentoring is pretty awesome . Whenever I hear people talking about learning new shit they're like "Get a mentor." How does that even go down? "Pardon me, but would you like to be a mentor? Like community service when you help out orphans--but this is for me."

Now--and it's hard for me to believe this story, since I blog and therefore clearly have no mentor--but it turns out that sometimes people are like "I WILL BE YOUR MENTOR" even if you're like, "You will not." My friend told me a story where he was at work talking to a female coworker. Afterwards, this older guy was like, "Be careful there, Rex Park. Hahaha" What are you even supposed to do in that scenario? "Oh, thanks for looking out for me. I was definitely going to have sex with this older unattractive woman but luckily you jumped in with your guiding hand and saved me."

I've included a list of ways you shouldn't sign these emails below. I've put "not" in caps, in case you're retarded.