I am worthy of love, joy and success.

It was going to be a single-post kind of day but then I ran into this gem on the Huffington Post; titled “Five Steps to Staying Productive and Positive During Hard Times,” and I thought how could I let something like this go untouched by my sarcasm and cynicism—especially when I’m a self indulgent blogger. So I’ve provided you with the tips and then taken it upon myself to mock them. If you don’t feel like reading this shit then I highly suggest you at least skip to the end and read the last bit. It’s the best.

1. Dream Big: if you like to fantasize, or you graduated from Harvard and your dad’s in publishing so you can come out with a book and then everyone can go “OMG she just graduated from college, can you believe it?”

2. Believe in Yourself: I mean yes, you should, but also be realistic. Here’s a really, really important example. On the subway the other day, and this is not a fucking lie, a guy got on and said “I am Earth Angel. Girls, if you have never seen an angel before now you have. I want all girls younger than 24—if you’re a second older that’s no good—to join my ministry. I have come down here to earth because I am an angel.” If you are that guy you shouldn’t believe in yourself unless you are really and truly comfortable with being a pedophile.

3. Stop Complaining: Ummm, stop writing “newspaper articles” about self –help.

4. “Turn paranoia on its head”: What does that even mean? Honestly, what the fuck does that mean?

5. Self-Affirmations: this is the best part. I don’t even need to say anything but obviously I will. Just imagine yourself saying these. Or better yet, imagine someone else saying these while sitting alone at their desk. ( * = funny, ** = dangerous, *** = both)

I am worthy of love, joy and success. *

I am loveable and capable. *

I can create anything I want. **

I am able to solve any problem that comes my way.

I can handle anything that life hands me.

I have all the energy I need to do everything I want to do.

I am attracting all the right people into my life. ***