"Boyfriend jeans" are for single people

My dad and I went to blockbuster the other night—little variety—and rented Memento in BlueRay. At the checkout the girl goes “Oh man that is wicked good in BlueRay.” Her nametag said Isabel and then beneath her name it also said, “Izzy.” What the fuck? Why not just put “Izzy” on her nametag? It’s not like I feel more of a personal connection with her because in the five seconds it took me to admit that I’m watching a movie with my dad on Friday night I moved down to the quotations marks and felt good about myself because, hey, I’m not going out with my friends tonight, but at least Isabel/ "Izzy" and I are on a nickname basis.

Sunday is usually a big day for me. It's a day where I really push my limits, really test myself. While some people are hanging out with Jesus, I think how much food can I eat in one day? I just had three pieces of toast, a chocolate bar, and a bowl of cereal, should I keep going? Probably. Should I share this with people? Maybe not. Maybe I will anyway. Maybe because I'm such a huge blogger I just do it!

I also see how many episodes of Law & Order I can watch. My friend calls Law & Order SVU "Rape." Whenever I talk about Law & Order, I always hear that people only like watching SVU. What?! "Sorry, I don’t like watching your normal average criminals, I only like watching rapist and pedophiles. That really gets me when I feel like hanging out and watching TV.” Obviously companies are aware of what a hit the show is because all sorts of shit is advertised in between. But this is what I don't get. Why do match-making websites advertise? Well I've just finished watching Little Sue's body recovered from a trash can after she was raped and murdered by a guy she found on the internet but, you know what, Little Sue probably didn't take an adequate amount of time to fill out her questionnaire and she doesn't dress in cool bohemian clothing (that I can, like, TOTALLY relate to).

Not that I haven't seriously considered joining one of these websites anyway. When you're sitting in front of your TV (sorry, YOUR PARENTS TV) and your dad just asked you if you have the butter in your room, it might be time to start asking some serious questions--questions that super trendy people everywhere have decided to mock. I'm talking about the new obsession with "boyfriend jeans" and "boyfriend sweaters." It's a nice offering: Hey, sorry you don't have a boyfriend but since you decided to drink beer and eat pizza on Saturday night just wear these baggy jeans and we can pretend. Speaking of guys, I’ve seen this guy on the subway like three times. It’s probably destiny. Next time I see him I want to be like “Hey, our kids are going to love this story.”