Hey, hi, how are you?

This summer my parents had a cocktail party. My special job (because I’m a big girl) was to help pick out the beer. Fact: when you are coming off of your senior year in college and you were seriously like so fucking cool that you drank the most beer in the entire world you will suggest that your father does the same when you go to the liquor store together. Fact: Old Wasps like vodka not 30s of Bud light. You don’t even need beer for situations like this.

It’s a shame that you can’t eliminate the whole “talking” element of cocktail parties (by the way, type or say “cocktail” enough times and the “cock” part becomes hysterical) because the thing is that you just say the same thing over and over again to everyone.

Hey, hi there, yes hi, how are you? It’s great to see you. How’s your summer going? Oh that’s so great. It’s funny you should say that because my summer has been “great” too.

I’ve spent the time working for free—don’t worry I hate getting paid so it’s pretty much the perfect setup. That’s right I go into the office everyday, sit down, work, and I don’t ask for anything! It’s the best. I mean, let’s be honest. What would I possibly do if I got a paycheck? Move out of my parents house?! Like, nevvahhh!

Oh yes, graduation was a blast. That is so kind of you to congratulate me. You know what, Mrs. Mortimer, I have a story you are going to die when you hear. So my friend Emily---you would like luuuuhve her—was like completely wasted the night before and she was still drunk at graduation and she threw up in her cap. Isn’t that hysterical? I mean who remembers their graduation anyway? Hahaha—NOT ME!

But wait, how long are you going to be here this summer? Did you just arrive? That is so short. What a shame. I too will be here only briefly since I have really important and demanding obligations back home. I’m hoping to stay just long enough to get some serious drinking in and bang your son. Yes! I saw him! I didn’t mention that? Well I did. I heard he had a serious cocaine problem this year but let’s be honest: he looks great...Oh, you didn’t hear that? I’m sure it was just a lot of exercise. I mean that can do wonders. Ya, no, I mean you’re right, I wouldn’t know.

Oh, excuse me, I see the bar and I need to go.