Spectator of Fun Losers

OBVIOUSLY smoking and drinking gets super boring to read about, like, can’t you think of anything more interesting to talk about? Haven’t you been at college for a million zillion years studying literature (woweee). Yes and blah, blah, blah. Before I move on to the inherent sophistication embedded in the soul that sits behind my awesome thick rimmed glasses and, and yeah, that is the only moderately hipster thing I’ve got going because, let’s admit it (the “us” there is probably the three followers I’ve got going) I’m like “sort of” waspy.

As September approaches and the devastating reality that I’m not going back to school sets in, it seems like the perfect time to latch on to the past and suck out memory before it turns to nostalgia. I’ve divided it into sections for people who like sections and for people who don’t like sections but love a challenge.

Monday mornings

Ok, here was one of THE MOST annoying things. Say you go out Saturday night, you have the best time ever—does he like you? did he want to hook up but like you totally intimidated him so he ran away but its because you’re so intimidatingly awesome, and not because you are like fucking weird and drunk, that it didn’t work out—and woke up the next morning on the other side of the bed, because you could make it to the other side which was farther away from the door and also not close to the bathroom in the incredibly rare case that you were sick, and think to yourself “Wow, we were all drunk last night. What a great time”

(Note: This is not the kind of thing I say when I wake up because the first thing do is roll over and say good morning to my really handsome, funny, smart, and entirely committed boyfriend and say “good morning” because I’m that kind of girl. duh).

But all of that aside, right when you are thinking how great the weekend was, this kid ruins it: “Oh my god, you were like SOOO wasted on Saturday!!!!!!!!” The kind of fuck who says things like that also uses excessive !!!! so yes, they were intentional and necessary. Why do people feel the need to comment on how much fun you had? Like, umm excuse me, why weren’t you wasted? Where were you? IN THE LIBRARY? Oh wait, you weren’t even there, you were standing watching me at the bar as I got drunk with all of the friends that I have but you don’t. Spectator of Fun.

Double Secret Secrets

Ok, this is the most fun. When you are drunk (but not high because you don’t do drugs because they’re illegal) and you are in a public space and everyone else is sober. On one hand, this can also be a terrible because you are obviously the only fool in the room. On the other hand, if you can act normal (or at least act normal which, when you’re drunk, sometimes is actually acting overly overtly normal) then you have this awesome secret that no one else knows and you can have the best time in the world. This is the most fun, but if you’re someone like the spectator loser from section one then this will probably never happen to you.