We are an authentic Italian restaurant

Last night I had Chinese food for dinner because I was feeling great about my body and I wanted to capitalize on that. You can always tell how much of a fat ass you are by how many fortune cookies they put in the bag. For example, last night I ordered just for me but I got two cookies.

Here’s the thing: the fortunes in fortune cookies aren’t fucking fortunes. “Being nice is always a good thing” is not a fortune. I always open up the second once because I’m annoyed and it should probably say, “You are a selfish fuck” or “Stop eating,” but it doesn’t, it says like: “Work hard,” on one side, and “happiness” in Chinese on the back.

I was at an Italian restaurant with my friends the other week and the menu was all in Italian, signaling to us “Hello, we are an authentic italian restaurant and we are not fucking around with that,” but I wanted to signal back “ HI! I’m at a restaurant in Murray Hill maybe you could put this shit in English so I could read it, cool, thanks.” The compromise they have is a special little glossary to make it blazingly obvious that you are ignorant and that moving back and forth between the two pieces of paper is not only pathetic but also necessary.

On the plus side, since they’ve already decided you are obviously retarded because you don’t speak Italian fluently, you don’t have to order in Italian. Like when you go to a restaurant, French in my case, and your mother says, “speak in French to the waiter AH! Speak in French!” because you’ve taken a couple years of French and are obviously fluent now.

*Below is a related OTR article.