Jesus Regrets Self Sacrifice/ Comeback

* In celebration of easter here's an old Off the Record article.

With another Easter arriving, Jesus Christ is really disappointed that “ everyone is still really mean and selfish.” He was surprised that after hanging on the cross for so long people still don’t really appreciate everything he went through. “It really was not a good time” he later noted after being resurrected. “ I thought at least everyone would start being nice to each other. But no, they didn’t. “ He added, “I thought like 100 million people saw The Passion of The Christ ! Well, my death was just like that--except the Jews were much more brutal.”

In retrospect, Jesus said he should have realized nothing would ever change. “ I mean I rise from the dead, and no one even believes me. It’s ridiculous, really.” He cited specific frustration with the fact that he “ Died for our sins” and “everyone continues to be extremely sinful.” He later added, “ Dying again would be trite. I don’t know what you want me to do now.”

While going to church and praying is “ a nice gesture,” Jesus remarked that people really need to “clean up their act.” So disappointed by humanity, he claimed that , “ If I’d known everyone would turn out to be such jerks, I would have just stayed a carpenter instead of becoming part of the woodwork.” Additionally, with an air of condescending superiority, he expressed disgust with lent: “Going without sweets? Are you kidding me? I was tempted by Satan.”