“Victim” reports being super annoyed but, in general, not caring

Two years ago someone stole the gas cap from ’87 Volvo, which is probably the dickest crime in world. It’s obnoxious because it’s not really even a crime; it’s just like really annoying, like, man-up and at least slash my fucking tires. So I didn’t go to the precinct because I feel the report would probably be like: “Victim” reports being super annoyed but, in general, not caring.

However, I was walking on 86th street yesterday and someone took my wallet straight out of my bag. I have a really quick shout out to that person: Hey, thanks friend! Thank you so much because, while you will gained absolutely nothing from my wallet since I don’t have any money, I now get to go down to the DMV and get a new license! That’s right! I now have something to do with my day: a real life task that needs to be accomplished. It’s sort of a foreign feeling but I’m feeling good about the possibilities. I’ve built up a lot of “potential” sitting at home doing nothing and now I get to go all the way to 34th Street, wait in line, get my picture taken, and numerous other cool things I probably don’t even know about!

So there’s that—my DMV trip—and then I also called the precinct to report the crime because of identity theft and the woman who answered the phone asked me if I knew who it was. Yes, I did. This guy took my wallet and I was like, “Hi, sorry, sir, excuse me but I think you took my wallet." but he didn't answer because he was being stealth and undercover like a criminal, and I said, "That’s mine please give it back,” and he was like, “No,” and so I said, “OK.”