Luckily, your mom came and sat right next to me!

Have you ever seen a really haggard kid? Like when people show you their child and you go, “Oh my gosh, she/he (it!) is soo cute,” and you know you’re fucking lying and they probably know you’re lying too, because there is just no way their kid is even moderately attractive.

You have to be careful how you interact with kids in public places because you can get trapped talking to them for way too long. Like, for example, if you’re hanging out in coffee shop and someone doesn’t have their kid on a leash and so they just walk over and are like, “what’s up?” and you have to say, “hi” in some stupid little voice because you don’t want to be an asshole and ignore them, or say “hi” in regular voice, which ultimately comes off sounding annoyed because that’s how you really feel. But it never stops there, it’s like by acknowledging their presence you are saying: Yes, I just want to hang out and talk with you forever because, no, I didn’t actually come here to be alone, I came because I saw your mom walk in here with the stroller and I thought, “fuck yeah!” At first, I was really worried that we wouldn’t get to sit together, because the whole place is pretty empty, but luckily your mom came and sat down right next me! Phew!

This type of thing actually also happens to me when I’m walking my dogs. People stop me and want to pet them and then they start talking to them, and then my dogs licks them and they go “ooh kisses!” and I’m like, “yeah, my dog just ate a huge shit