Ok, Ok, NO! NO! Maybe.

I promise this post isn't as long as it looks.

Here’s something I don’t understand, right off the bat, when the bus driver tells everyone to be safe and gives a little talk, he wraps up by saying, “I hope you enjoy your ride.” I know this is a fairly typical thing to say but I think it deserves a bit of attention. Who sits on the bus thinking, “Woowee boy am I enjoying myself”? But all the same, I’m glad he pointed out that levels of fun could be had because I know that I distinctly did not enjoy myself and this can now be placed on a spectrum.

Before I got on the bus I decided to join the other people in line, who also got there early and want everyone to know that their decision was not only a good one but also beneficial. Usually I don’t do this because there really is no point, but this time I thought, “Fuck it, I’ll do it.” This meant that I got a window seat, which is awesome, and, unlike everyone else, I did not put my bag on the second seat because I already know—intuitively—that this would be a full bus. Do you realize that you always watch everyone file into the bus and think about who is going to sit next to you: “ok that one would be fine, ok, ok, ok, NO! NO! NO! Maybe.”

I actually think there something worse than someone’s ass squishing over the armrest into your seat: the eater. Why do people think it’s ok to get, like, spicy chicken curry before they get on the bus? Hey, guess what? It’s fucking not; because, as your sitting three seats over stuffing your face, the smell comes over to my elephantine partner and I, and we don’t like it.

So there’s that person, and then there’s also this person, I won’t even preface it.

Hey! How are you? Yeah, I’m just on the bus. Yeaaah. I’m like really bored. We’re stuck in traffic so I thought I’d call you because I have nothing else to do.

Thanks friend! Because I also have nothing else to do but I am so thrilled that you just called your friends so I can listen to your conversation like a book on tape. That’s right, I’m on the bus too! I know, its hard to remember, but I really appreciate you including me on your conversation.

The real-life conversation I actually heard continued like this....

Ya me and Sarah [chick sitting next to her] are so bored we started having a conversation about like a random word that we picked. So she picked the word “telephone” and then we talked about the telephone.

Ok, this slut is having a conversation on the phone about having a conversation about the phone. This was real. This is really the kind of shit I listened to on the bus yesterday. Unfortunately, her intriguing conversation was cut short when the bus stopped at Arby’s and everyone got out to buy food and talk about the bus.