Girls kick BUTT at soccer!!!!

Since all of my present day complaining is probably getting a bit old I thought I’d shake things up and complain about the past a little bit. It’ll be fun.

I fucking suck at soccer. I was always the worst person practicing on the field at any given point. That’s right, I have been on a number of soccer teams despite an entire lack of skill. When I say “lack” I don’t mean like “OMG I cannot beeeelieve I missed that pass in the second half I have like got to work on my left foot.” I mean: don’t pass me the fucking ball, I will not pass it back. I promise. In fact, I will also not “trap” it or stop it with my foot so you could save us a lot of time. I will especially not do a chest trap because that really hurts even thought no one talks about it and acts like nipple to ball action is legit because GIRLS KICK BUTT AT SOCCER! Have you ever seen those shirts? I have; on my soccer team right next to the girls who were wearing “Girls RULE Boys DROOL” and “Miss. Happy.”

My problem with soccer really only become evident—granted my mother was probably aware much earlier than I was, as were every single person who had ever watched me—when I went to boarding school. It was a really devastating miscommunication. While at my day school you had to go to preseason no matter what, at boarding school you only went if you were really fucking good and wanted to be on varsity and had played at soccer camp all summer. So when I got there I was recognizably the worst person present and also the new kid who clearly should not be there because she was totally never on a travel team. We would do foot touches across the field and then I would be so slow that everyone would cheer for me as I made it to the mid point and would continue ten minutes later as I got to the side line, and I say “midpoint” and not “center line” because we weren’t even going down the whole field, we were going from left to right. Here’s the thing about cheering: when you are doing really well, when you are “excelling”, cheering is the best because you think “everyone is witnessing my awesomeness and I will succeed” when people are cheering and you suck you think “all of the people know I suck and are watching me and just want me to make it to the other side so we can stop.”

Finally, my senior year I quit soccer when I was about to serve a second year on varsity. My coach was like “Come on! Just keep trying a little bit!” and I was like “playing soccer literally makes my day worse.” So I went and did theater instead.All of this soccer shit came up out of my packed away memories where other kids keep more important things like the fact that their parents hate them—or whatever—when I was reading an essay by Chuck Klosterman. Here is a really great TRUE thing he said:

Soccer is the “one aerobic activity where nothingness is expected...Soccer feels “fun because it’s not terrifying—it’s the one sport where you can’t fuck up” Okay well fuck Klosterman on the fuck up part because I clearly did but I find the “nothingness” bit really enjoyable. It's probably because I like real sports like running and exercising on a daily basis just for fun because I just love working out.