Sorry, I just washed my hands

In a day and age where everyone is trying to save the planet, I found it really refreshing to find some folders by people who were like "Nope, we're not" because I'm not either. They're just normal file folders but they have "Dead Trees" printed on the front. I'm not saying I go around yelling "Fuck trees. I hate trees," but I also don't feel like I'm in Ferngully. I have no qualms drinking bottled water and when I bought cookie ingredients yesterday I double bagged them because it was easier FOR ME.

Like when I go to a public restroom and I wash my hands, you know what? I am going to use as many paper towels as I need to make my hands completely, absolutely dry because I hate damp hands. I'll go and try to be conservative but then pick up my book and there's this fucking slightly handprint on my page, and I don't like that. Or when you meet someone and you shake their hand and it's fucking wet and they say, "Sorry, I just washed my hands."

Did you dunk your hands in a bucket of water and come directly to me? I don't care that I'm playing waterfalls here, I need to shake hands immediately. I was going to dry them but someone collected all of the paper towels and burned them. There was nothing I could do. I feel like I'm missing something. Because when you shake my hand and your hand is wet, I think it's pee. I don't care if its immature: that's what the deal is. The worst is if there is a hand sensor paper dispenser because it only releases one sheet at a time and this is never enough to dry your hands properly; so you end up waving at this machine like you have palsy. Or, and maybe this is worse, the hand dryer which doesn't actually do anything unless you commit a good five minutes.

Usually these problems only occur in public restrooms, but here's something else I don't get: pretty hand towels. Do you know what I'm talking about? The really thin linen pretty ones. What is the point? Like if you go to someone's house for dinner and you use the bathroom before leaving, you have to use these hand towels to not dry your hands afterwards. You'll shake their hand good bye and they give you this look like, "Gross" and I'm like "This was your decision."