On the count of three we'll both hang up

The last time I was really on a conference call was in 7th grade when it was like, "Ok, don't talk and we'll call up Sue and ask her what she thinks about you." and we'd ask her and she'd say something like, "She's fine" but then when it came to hanging out together at lunch I wasn't having any of it: Sue was "soo double-sided."


Obviously you can imagine my initial excitement when my boss was like, "We're doing a conference call with the website company." I was like fuck yeah we are--who's talking: you or me? Anyway so it turns out these big group meeting conference calls are the strangest thing ever. It's like have a phone interview and the person's talking and you're nodding, or you're talking and gesturing but no one can see what the fuck is going on so you want to be like, "I'm nodding. You'll never know for sure so you'll have to trust me on this one. I hear you and I agree, so I'm moving my head up and down."

It's impossible to talk properly on these calls because you have no way to read any sort of social cues. Everything is prefaced with a "I'm just going to jump in here" like the whole call is a fucking swimming pool. The best part is the good-bye. Do you say good-bye? Do you say thank you? It's like a game of "No I love you more" which progresses into a "You hang up first!" Can you imagine?

-Bye Web Publishing!"
-Bye I love you!"
-No I love YOU
-I love you more!
-No I love you more!
-You hang up first
-No you!
-Ok, on the count of three we'll both hang up
-Ok
-I love you!