Tell me everything

Now that it’s warm out I’ve had to start being super cautious as I walk in the city. You know why? Because fucks with clipboards are on every sidewalk. They always stagger themselves like a fucking obstacles so that right when you think you have graciously passed the first one, their friend Tom swoops in and is like, “Hi, do you care about the city’s water? OR ARE YOU JUST A FUCKING ASSHOLE.” Sorry Tom, I’m just a “fucking asshole” and I there is absolutely no way I can stop because I am incredibly, incredibly busy. Like the way you have a clipboard? I have a destination.

Once I did actually give in because they were like, “Do you have a minute for gay rights?” and I had just gotten off this liberal rampage at boarding school and I was like, “OMG DUUUUH I have a minute for gay rights!!!!!” So I stopped and was thinking to myself, “Wow, I am such an advocate,” but then they ask for your email, and your home address, and talk to you for fifteen minutes. Now I just say, “I’m already a fan” like gay rights is my new favorite band.

What I don’t understand is why they don’t get really attractive people to ask you these questions. If some really hot guy was standing on the corner and he was like “Do you have a minute for the environment?” and I would be like, “Tell me everything.”