Christmas Special

PART I

During the days of my internship I took the downtown 6 train every morning. It was always beyond me the general incompetence of everyone there; as if, just before I got on, everyone got in a group and organized themselves so that they could make the most effective obstacle course before I arrived. “Ok, you over there with the big coat, stand by the door. DO NOT MOVE. Whatever happens, you are a fixed object; think of yourself as the statue of liberty: you are greeting but you are a beacon and not an escort. Great. Then you over there, with the small child, just put her in the stroller, come on. I see that it is one of those special strollers, perhaps you call it a “pram”, but I like the size and let’s work with that.” So everyone starts getting together to work against me but then there are also those individuals who do a good job just on their own. For example, there will probably be at least one guy who takes up about two seats; not because he’s fat, but because his legs are spread so far apart that his dick better be the size of Santa’s bundle of toys, or he’s overdoing it.

Then there’s this awkward half seat in between the guy with the big package and the pole to hold onto and, even if someone gets up so there’s an actual seat where you could sit down if that was what you really needed, some fuck comes and stands in front of the seat. Nope, they won’t sit down because they don’t NEED to sit down; they don’t mind standing because they aren’t lazy and they want you to know that and recognize their strength and perseverance. Not only that, but they have positioned themselves directly in front of this space so that you have to ask them if they want that seat—so they can answer that no, in fact, they are perfectly happy reading their Economist (yes! I always read the economist on the train because not only do I exercise on my way to work but I also educate myself) standing up.

Let’s say you make it on the train, maybe even to the inside to the middle--where you move because you are a considerate passenger. Perhaps you have even got a chance to sit down. So you’re sitting there wondering if you should offer your seat to this middle aged/old person (you can’t properly tell, which is why this deliberation is taking so long, and you don’t want to offend anyone especially someone who is PMSing because they are fucking crazy, and you know this from experience) and then, I fucking promise this will happen, some one comes down the aisle asking for money. It is no longer just the average person asking for money, they are fucking scootering themselves down the aisle because they don’t have legs and you know what? If you don’t give them money you’re an asshole and, as a side point, not only did you ignore them but you also didn’t give up your seat to that woman.