Dear Bruno Mars,

Dear Bruno,


I think we all need to relax here. Maybe take a breath and reassess the situation because, to be honest, I think you're getting a little carried away.

In the beginning of the song when you say, "Your eyes were open. Why were they open?" Maybe people like kissing with their eyes open, why do you get to decide? Stop being so critical.

To continue, I see the following situations as problematic and also fucking weird:

1. I'd catch a grenade for ya
2. Throw my hand on a blade for ya
3. Jump in front of a train for ya
4. I would die for you but you won't do the same.

This girl probably just wanted to go out to dinner and you were like, "I will fucking cut myself for you," she accurately read the situation, and left. Do actually envision someone propositioning, "Look, I'd love to be with you but first I want you to catch this explosive, cut yourself up--pretty badly--and then jump in front of a train, preferably the downtown 6."

Ok, so we have that problem and then this: "I would die for you but you won't do the same." Um, hi, Bruno, this is NOT a cult. I feel like your new message is "You're perfect just the way you are but unless your ready to die, this is not for me," and I'm not really feeling great about that.