What I do all day (from the perspective of my mother).

9:30 AM: Lie in bed and see how much of the day I can waste.

11 AM: Think about being unemployed because I’m pretty sure that if I just stay my room and watch TV all day long, someone will call up and say, “I’ve got just the thing for you.”

12 PM: Consider how many cigarettes I can smoke in one day and revel in the fact that my mother has no sense of smell and I have a very strong and demanding addiction. Head out for a “stroll” and chain smoke.

12:06: Have another cigarette.

12:08: Oops, one more!

1 PM: Think about how indestructible I am.

2 PM: Go find a wad of cash and burn it in the park because I know money grows on trees, and I’m not worried about running out!

3 PM: Wonder how long the dogs can hold everything in before they have to go to the bathroom.

4 PM: Think about that fact that if I leave the apartment for five minutes and bring the dogs with me, I probably won’t have to walk them.

4:05 PM: Come back into the apartment.

5 PM- 11 PM: Feel sorry for myself.