DECEIT

I was in a bar the other night with my friend and her boyfriend (tricycling is my new favorite activity) and we saw some people outside trying to get in. I could only guess that they were exactly 21 and from Delaware. I knew this because not only am I intuitive but I used to do the same thing. When I was in seventh or eighth grade (thank you, NYC childhood) we would try to get into places with our awesome IDs. It usually didn't work. We could have taken an index card and written "I so totally promise I'm 21," and it would have been better.

Whenever we went on these ventures we would tell our parents we were going to the movies. I don't know if we suggested we were catching a double header, but the movies times were completely incongruous with the time we spent out, making it the worst case scenario for lying. Not to mention the fact that we always got caught. I would come home, tell the worst lie ever, and my mom would be like, "No," then I would cave and she would say, "I hate DECEIT," which moves her vocal disappointment from a scene in the OC to Harry Potter and the Prisoners of Azkaban.

It turns out that I'm best at lying when I've been overserved. After some reckless bartender has really forced the issue, my levels of passion are exponentiated. I don't mean that I feel more physically compelled, I mean I use the word "love" like A LOT more. Why? How weird is that? I'll have no problem being like, "I'm in love with you." I need a shirt that says, "Don't get in my path or I'll open my heart."

It's a family affair

I hope everyone had an excellent Thanksgiving. You know how some people will get a piece of pie or a ton of turkey and they go "OMG I will like never be able to finish it" and, let'' be honest, the piece isn't that big and--here's the real shocker--they actually don't finish it. Maybe they're displaying "self-control" or don't feel the same sense of dedication to their plate I do, but either way they don't finish it. It's beyond me.


I had two Thanksgivings this year and full meals at lunch and dinner. I felt particularly bad for my sister who is in Scotland and got the phone pass out of control. Anyway, it was truly a "family affair," and if you don't like Sly and the Family Stone I hope you change your mind (bc they are SO good).

PIAMBF: Symphonies

I am abiding by the code

Pick a public space, probably any public space, but one where people are generally quiet. Like I once worked in an office where all the desks were in one big loft. This meant that, for the most part, people talked quietly--especially when I say "worked" and I mean "interned" so I was not going to break the silence.

Have you ever been in one of these places and then someone else breaks the literally unspoken rule to shut the fuck up and not talk across the space? Like when I was working in the quiet room someone spoke to me in a normal and loud voice, and I kind of whispered back, thinking "Umm hello, why are you talking in that normal voice?!" and then she responded (outloud) "WHY are you whispering?" Because I am abiding by the code, which you refuse to respect.

This usually happens in a subway car. You'll be sitting diagonally from someone you got on the train with since there weren't enough seats, and then they'll talk across the space and laugh or joke or do something else dumb. You don't want to respond because since you're so considerate but you have to.

This happened to be recently on the subway, when I ran into someone I made out with in like seventh grade but haven't seen since. It was go-to-work time in the morning--something I can't generally relate to--and he said, "Hi, are you on your way to work?" and I was like, "No, I'm just watching everyone else go."

PS: Last post I decided to see what it was like not cursing. I feel like it was an ineffectual and disappointing experiment.

Their right side is in mint condition

I was talking with someone this weekend and he said "that's a double-edged sword." I can't remember what I said that prompted that response, but I'm relatively good at putting myself in those situations. Anyway it brought up a much more important thought: Aren't most swords double-edged?

I don't see attacking your opponent from the left side only to be an effective method. I've never watched a crazy Law & Order where the person is like, "They were killed by a single-edged sword, typical. You can tell because while their left side looks terrible, their right side is in mint condition."

Like if you were going into a battle and someone said, "Here, take a sword. Do you want this one with two sharp sides or this other sword that can only cut one way?" Who would say, "You know what, I don't want to deceive my enemy. I want them to know that when swing from this side I will cut them up, but when it's the other direction it will just be more of a tap, or thwack."

Young Love

Of course the song isn't nearly as honest as Cat Stevens  but it's excellent nevertheless.

You know what, I'll take the melody

Do you remember the prom scene in She's All That? Everyone is hanging around dancing and then all of the sudden this one song comes on and BAM they are doing this boys vs. girls choreographed dance? It comes out of nowhere; it's totally unexpected. Everyone was like, "OMG how weird was that?" That's how I feel about musicals all the time.

I have a serious problem with suspension of reality commitments. Like in musicals, everyone is walking around and then all of the sudden in the fucking town square or school gym everyone is singing. Or--even worse--two people will be talking and someone will break into song. Why is everyone okay with this? If I were trapped in a musical I would be like, "Hold on, what THE FUCK is going on?" How come this never happens? Everyone is way too complacent; they just go along with it like, "okay, you know what, if you're going to sing, I'm going to sing too. You know what, I'll take the melody."

I've watched Glee a couple times but I can't get past the singing part. Obviously this causes some issues. Once I was on the subway and someone just started singing a hymn. I don't mean a homeless person (or that blind man that miraculously navigates the entire train system as if he just saw Jesus and is set to go) I mean a completely random person. It was a worst case scenario. I just wanted to be like, "Excuse me sir, can you stop. Amen"

I just want to be honest here

I was driving into NYC with my friend the other day and we got pulled over by a cop. Here's what I don't understand: When you get pulled over, the first thing they ask is "Do you know why we pulled you over" Do I know? Do you know? Who's job is this here?  Umm I'm sorry isn't this your job? If I call people for work I do not go "Hello, do you know why I'm calling? It may seem like I'm taking the initiative but I'm going to go ahead and put the ball in your court." What are you supposed to say? "Yes, officer I was speeding. I saw speed limit and said " Absolutely not. You cannot control me." Also, since you asked I have some weed in the car, was that it? I just want to be honest here and give you all the facts. 


So they ask you why you were pulled over and then they proceed to ask you how fast you were going too as if their only job is literally to drive around. Oh you're a traffic cop what do you do? You know, I get this sweet outfit and then I pull just pull people over and see what they think. It's more of a thought process but I've gotten good at asking really pointed questions. 


Once, when I was driving with a friend, we were going through a residential area at, I don't know, 7mph and this cop literally waves us down with his hands. We think maybe he's just say hey, whats up FALSE. We got a speeding ticket. I'm just going to go ahead here and make a leap here: If you can slow down the car with your hands, they are not speeding. 

Dancing with the DJ

I am OBSESSED with this band. I've posted about them before. I just think they're fucking awesome.



This is because I missed PIAMBF.

You are fooling no one

I hope everyone had a good Halloween. I'm sorry I haven't posted all week. The truth is that I was spending so much time planning and creating my costume that it was nearly impossible to be creative in any other venue. I forgot that parents like dressing up on Halloween too. Why are they doing this? Your costume tricks no one. I know, from my past experiences, that you are not the "grim reaper" nor are you a "ballerina." Even though your child was a ghost, and this might be confusing, I was able to step back and say, "No, I don't believe you. You're just wearing costume."   


Also, people seem to have no problem being different ethnicities for Halloween. Like, people will be Chinese for Halloween. They just put on the most racist or stereotypical outfit they can find and "like, a lot of eyeliner." Or, and I've seen this a bunch at my white parties with all my white friends, people are "ghetto"  for halloween. They put on hoop earrings and BAM they're gangster/ ghetto. Like they are literally black for halloween. 


On the cover of Time recently (or maybe Newsweek? ) There was  white woman surrounded by Indian children and she was wearing sari. Why? Just because you've been to India, and undoubtedly read Eat, Pray, Love--or at least seen the movie and been like totally inspired--does not mean you are from India. You are fooling no one.