My LIFE is in 3D so I'm sort of an expert

Over the past week people have asked me, “What exactly do you do during the day?” and they are serious, and I am seriously like, I’m not really sure; however, one thing I did do last week was see Alice and Wonderland in the afternoon with my mom. And, because we wanted the coolest movie experience around, we saw it in 3D since we weren’t going to mess around with some 2D bullshit. The great thing about seeing 3D at our theater is that we didn’t get douche cardboard glasses we got super hip wayfarers in order to ensure that, if we turned and looked each at each other during the movie, we could think, “cool” and not, “loser.”

Ok, fine but guess what, my LIFE is in 3D so I'm sort of an expert, yeah, it’s true, every day—just when I’m walking around or even sitting!—things have depth. If my job were to say "real" and then "not real" I could do it. I'm that good. So like even when crazy brambles are flying towards my glasses, which protect me from danger, I use my “perception of reality” to evaluate the situation and I’m not tricked. When I was watching Alice in Wonderland, at no point do I think "OH MY GOD DID I END UP HERE?!!!!!" Like when people saw Avatar and said, “OMG it’s like so real, it’s crazy,” I was like, “Blue people: that shit is fake” because I fucking knew the difference.

I "see you" James Cameron, and I know you're lying.