Anything could happen

Has this ever happened to you: You'll be listening to a song and think, "Gee, I really like this song," then you'll tell someone about it and they'll say something like this, "Yeah...but did you know it's really about murder/death/some other really depressing thing you hadn't thought of."


Like, for example, this happened recently during my obsession with Ellie Goulding's "Anything Could Happen." I was really digging this tune (I say "digging" now, someone please force me to stop) and listening to it on repeat at work. It really made me feel like "Oh, this day is full of potential and promise." FALSE this song is not uplifting, it's about a car crash. It's not: Anything could happen, you might meet the love of your life who is really funny and smart and totally wants to be in a relationship right now. It's: Anything could happen, you might get in a car crash. Thanks, Ellie. I really needed that. Awesome. *

This happened really unexpectedly to me two days ago, while I was listening to Christmas carols with my family. I was really enjoying the Christmas spirit and then 'God Bless Ye Merry Gentlemen' came on and I hear this, "To free all those who trust in him from Satan's power and might." Merry Christmas -- Don't forget about Satan.

*Watch the video. It's true.

This email is important

Gmail has added super advanced technology that marks your emails that may be important with a yellow tab. I was wondering how they managed to figure this out (and why all of my emails were so 'important') when this super informative tab popped up and explained it to me:

Sorry, WHAT, because it was "sent directly" to me? It's in my Inbox which is literally attached to my personal email account, and my email account is my fucking name - there is absolutely no confusion about where the email is going. "Oh, this other email hasn't been marked "important" because it took a really circuitous route before it arrived here. First it went to a small elf who re-typed it and then the elf sent it to you: Not important." 

It's like for a while I was really sketched out by the Ads that appeared in my Inbox, but now they're all for gyms and engagement rings, and since neither of those things are in my near future I'm not too concerned anymore. 

What's your emergency?

Last Thursday I decided to break out of my comfort zone and go out on a school night -- which was like really awesome...until someone stole my phone.

So this thief, this CRIMINAL on the run, is probably making all sorts of sweet calls, sending important texts, and choosing great filters for artistic pictures (I know because this is what I did with it) but then I started to track him on the iCloud, and apparently the next step was to go with the police to the identified location and make the arrest. Here's the thing: The only way to get in contact with the police is to call 911, so obviously I had to call and when they said, "What's your emergency?" I had to say, "My iPhone has been stolen."And then they didn't come, so I had to call back...and you can't just give them a "ring back" and be like "Hey, what's up? I've just been waiting for you, and I wanted to make sure you were coming to this non-emergency situation. It's just that I think people have been trying to text me."

That is always the worst part when you do get your phone back (which I didn't). I always think, "Wow, I've probably received a lot of incredible important messages" but then when I check it and there's just one text from my mom saying, "Are you there? Did someone steal your phone?".

Dynamic Dining

When I got out to a restaurant, I am not going out to meet the other people there; I do not want to "network" with the other diners. Tragically it doesn't matter what you want.

You are especially susceptible to new friends if your table is seated close to them. You'll be hanging out, minding your own business, eating something incredibly healthy like a bacon-cheeseburger and someone will go, "Oh my gosh is that the cheeseburger?" No, it's a fucking waffle - YES it is the cheeseburger, I'm here to provide answers to all of your questions about the menu; let's keep talking.

This is a cheeseburger.

The real problem, however, is that this is just a leading question, a hook to reel you in and get your fantastic conversation in gear. And then it will never stop because then, even if there is a break, you can still kind of over hear each others conversations. All that has to happen is for you to have one more thing in common and then BOOM: "I heard you guys mention the state of New Jersey, we've also been to New Jersey."

Once I was having brunch on a Sunday morning that was more of an extension of the night before, and my roommate (NOT MY PARENTS, A REAL PERSON MY AGE!) and I sat down really close to this couple and I couldn't help it, I just had to talk to them - but then I couldn't get out of it, until their delicious appetizers came and I said, "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if I ate that."

You are amazing

When I think of exercise, I think of playing sports and having a real tangible goal. This is why I had so much trouble just running at first: Where am I going? Oh, I'm just going to run in this straight line to an end point and then I turn and run back the same way and feel good about it. It's like climbing to the top of a mountain and then climbing back down - reaching the top of a mountain is the worst metaphor for anyone talking about accomplishments. "Amazing job! Now, please, just walk down slowly and cautiously."

This made Soul Cycle an entirely new concept to me; not only was I going to be riding a bike in place (Progress rate: 100% guarantee of no movement whatsoever), but there was going to be a lot of emo shit going on at the same time. Also, I don't like the word "soul", it's kind of like saying "magical." The thought of sweating in a dark room with candles and motivational sayings did not seem like something an athlete does. CONFESSION: I fucking love it. When I'm on my bike and I'm biking so hard and going nowhere, I feel amazing. Then the instructor says something like "Love yourself!" and I'm like, "hey, no problem. I AM THE BEST."

Private Sesh

I first learned about Spotify via Mark Zuckerberg, who introduced the idea to me after explaining that open graph on Facebook would be so totally awesome that you might never have to speak with people again. I thought, "Hey, cool, thanks friend. I was super concerned with the election coming up next year that I might not get an accurate count of people voting or, even worse, might not understand their levels of enthusiasm ( I VOTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), but the Timeline, the Newsfeed, and apps have really opened new doors for me."

I wasn't super stoked about the idea of publicizing my music choices on Facebook. Then I got great news from Spotify, "Don't worry, you can 'Private-Sesh' that shiz". Listening to Cher 'Believe' again? Private Sesh. Music choice lack diversity and you only play one song probably Rihanna but that's okay no one's judging (but maybe they are)? Private Sesh. So I was sesh-ing it left and right, but then I feel like it got weird.

Like, "Bob was listening to Holy Ghost but now he's in a private session." WHAT is Bob doing in there, in this private session of his? Not to mention the fact that the private session icon look like a total pervert. It's a picture of this guy in a fedora with black glasses on. What kind of private session does that look like? When I see a guy like that in real life I'm not like, "Oh, he must be hiding his music preferences."

PS. I will be blogging again.

The Faster Times

Hi one billion + readers,

I am now blogging for Business Flannel on The Faster Times. This was direct result of the following blog names being unavailable:

NowI'mPoor.blogspot.com

PayingRentIsn'tCool.blogspot.com

IfItsNotCerealIWontEatIt.blogspot.com


DoormenAtNewBuildingsAreStillJudgemental.blogspot.com

NeighborsAlsoGiveYouWeirdLooksAt4AMWhenYouHaveFriendsSleepOverWhyAreTheyDoingThat?.blogspot.com