My friends

You MUST listen to this song by the Countess from The Real Housewives of NY. She's serious. This is real.

Hey, thanks LuAnn! First, let me note that I am sooo thrilled you consider me your friend. Like when you said, "elegance is learned, my friends" I thought, "ok, thanks for the tips friend!" I thought for a second that money COULD buy me class. In fact, sometimes, when I go shopping, I think about class and I just want to buy it right up but then I heard your song and I was like, I am just a fucking peasant! you have to inherit that shit if ya want it!

We are an authentic Italian restaurant

Last night I had Chinese food for dinner because I was feeling great about my body and I wanted to capitalize on that. You can always tell how much of a fat ass you are by how many fortune cookies they put in the bag. For example, last night I ordered just for me but I got two cookies.

Here’s the thing: the fortunes in fortune cookies aren’t fucking fortunes. “Being nice is always a good thing” is not a fortune. I always open up the second once because I’m annoyed and it should probably say, “You are a selfish fuck” or “Stop eating,” but it doesn’t, it says like: “Work hard,” on one side, and “happiness” in Chinese on the back.

I was at an Italian restaurant with my friends the other week and the menu was all in Italian, signaling to us “Hello, we are an authentic italian restaurant and we are not fucking around with that,” but I wanted to signal back “ HI! I’m at a restaurant in Murray Hill maybe you could put this shit in English so I could read it, cool, thanks.” The compromise they have is a special little glossary to make it blazingly obvious that you are ignorant and that moving back and forth between the two pieces of paper is not only pathetic but also necessary.

On the plus side, since they’ve already decided you are obviously retarded because you don’t speak Italian fluently, you don’t have to order in Italian. Like when you go to a restaurant, French in my case, and your mother says, “speak in French to the waiter AH! Speak in French!” because you’ve taken a couple years of French and are obviously fluent now.

*Below is a related OTR article.

Chinese Food Makes Person Feel Cultured

After ordering Chinese food for the second time this week, Frank Jones, a freshman in college, decided that he felt intellectually stimulated and more importantly cultured. Having never left the United States, or in fact Massachusetts , he suddenly felt as if he “ had traveled on some Chinese fishing boat and done hieroglyphics or whatever that fancy stuff they do”

Frank does not credit these new feelings to a variety of Chinese food saying that he pretty much just ate “a shit load rice.” However it didn’t even take much of that for him to feel transported across ocean and into “ that Mulan movie that Disney did last year.” This mental adventure has resulted in an increase in class attendance for Frank.

“Before whenever I was in class I felt like all of the other students just thought I was stupid but now I’m like, “Whatever man I eat Chinese food” You know… ‘cause its not like I just eat burgers now and I think they should know that.” Unfortunately, Frank’s actual grades still “suck.”

Frank also feels more connected to his math professor, and the girl who is always in the library. “Now when I see Asian people I feel like I really understand how they’re feeling.” While the thought of joining the Chinese club or actually reading about China has crossed his mind Frank says that, “ it would be exhausting and also the way they mark books in the library is confusing.”

Inspired by his surge in self -confidence, Frank may even venture to other new foods or he might not. He has also seriously considered getting “an awesome Chinese tattoo”. At the same time however he does not want to limit his own intellectual growth because right now he feels “pretty unstoppable.”

doing drugs

Do you remember in middle school when people “did drugs.” (Maybe this is a very NY middle schooler observation but let’s move on) You’d be like, “OMG apparently Bobby like does lots of drugs” Bobby was doing the most drugs. Ever.

Why was it always pluralized? Like, how many drugs was little bobby actually doing? You might even see him at a dance and then say, “he’s on drugs right now” and then picture all sorts of crazy shit, as if you’d seen Requiem for a Dream--which I hadn’t because I couldn’t see rated R movies---and that’s what was going on in the boys’ bathroom.

Since today is 420 lots of websites are posting “the real story behind 420” or “great stoner books”: shit like that*. THAT’S because they don’t want to be like “we do drugs” we just read about them and observe --ACTUALLY we’re just interested in the history. Because sometimes, when people get high they think, “okay, now what the fuck can I read. yeah! I want a book!” BAM this list has you covered.

*look at the author's picture by this article. He's smoking a cig and obvs trying to signal to us, the reader, that he totes smokes pot and unfortunately he can't show us online, but at least he smokes cigarettes. I mean, I definitely buy it.

It seems unlikely NY loves you.

“You love NY, but does NY love you?” –from an ad on the internet for Enoughalreadyny.org

I’ll be honest, this wasn’t something I’d ever really thought about, like I genuinely wasn’t concerned whether a geographic location loved me. LUCKILY, there are a lot of people who feel compelled to post their thoughts on the website and I’ve provided some additional comments (obvs). (Also, it’s debatable if it was necessary to include the tag line at the end of their posts).

Down on the concrete jungle
I love NY but at the moment I'm feeling mistreated by her. Enough is enough. Enough Already NY!

Listen NY, when I was walking the other day I wanted to cross the street, and it said Don’t Walk on both sides. What THE HELL was I supposed to do you, you CONCRETE JUNGLE you’re just made of concrete and other shit. Yeah, you’re not even a real fucking jungle. Straight-up concrete; like your heart.


MTA TAX
I am self-employed, do not use public transportation, do not do business in NYC, don't have any employees and don't even have a storefront. Yet I am supposed to pay a tax to support the MTA? Enough Already NY!

Yeah, it’s true, I don’t “do” public transportation because I don’t want a bunch of fucks grinding up against me and I’m sure not going to pay for THEM to get to work. And, to be honest, I took the subway once and I had to swipe my metrocard five times, at the same turnstall. I wasn’t pleased.

Mental health counselor
I trust that you enjoyed your extended holiday. While you were fiddling, Rome was burning. Enough Already NY!

Quit fiddling, Rome is on fire. NY, you masturbating shit.

(okaaaay, Crazy).

Prepared for a night of walking, S wore her sneakers

Nothing is worse than sneakers with things that you should not wear sneakers with. it's crazy.



check out the reflectors on these kicks. BAM not fucking around with a midnight stroll.

chiddy bang

I'm obsessed with chiddy bang at the moment thanks to a fellow sweet laxer. (speaking of sweet lax).

Window imagery

Sorry, it’s been a while. I've been in transit.

While I was on the plane I started reading my sister’s book from school and there were lots of little notes in the margin. The books I read for school always started off with the most ambitious annotations. From pages 1 to 10 they would be really fucking elaborate and a clear attempt to seem insightful. Then, once page 15 hit, it was all over. It’s not that the notes would stop, but they would be ridiculous. I was like scared to lend anyone my book incase they legitimately thought I was retarded. They looked like this:

“‘I am so angry!” he said, with lots of anger”: ANGRY

“She didn’t know what to do, there were a lot of choices”: Making a decision

“The house had a lot of windows”: Window imagery

This obviously gave me a lot to work with when I went back through my book. It's not even that they were stupid, there was like no point, at all, to put them in. I mean OBVIOUSLY they did lead to really impressive comments in class, “Did you notice the house had windows? Yeah, window imagery, I saw that and then I wrote it down. You're lucky I did because now I can share it with you.”

this is a sign

When I first heard the black eyed peas song that was goes "tonight's going to be a good good night" I would think, "YES, this is a sign, tonight is going to be fucking the best." Then it was played all the time and so I knew it was lying. It's played for 2 seconds in this song and then a cool voice goes, "turn that shit off" and I agree.

Jesus Regrets Self Sacrifice/ Comeback

* In celebration of easter here's an old Off the Record article.

With another Easter arriving, Jesus Christ is really disappointed that “ everyone is still really mean and selfish.” He was surprised that after hanging on the cross for so long people still don’t really appreciate everything he went through. “It really was not a good time” he later noted after being resurrected. “ I thought at least everyone would start being nice to each other. But no, they didn’t. “ He added, “I thought like 100 million people saw The Passion of The Christ ! Well, my death was just like that--except the Jews were much more brutal.”

In retrospect, Jesus said he should have realized nothing would ever change. “ I mean I rise from the dead, and no one even believes me. It’s ridiculous, really.” He cited specific frustration with the fact that he “ Died for our sins” and “everyone continues to be extremely sinful.” He later added, “ Dying again would be trite. I don’t know what you want me to do now.”

While going to church and praying is “ a nice gesture,” Jesus remarked that people really need to “clean up their act.” So disappointed by humanity, he claimed that , “ If I’d known everyone would turn out to be such jerks, I would have just stayed a carpenter instead of becoming part of the woodwork.” Additionally, with an air of condescending superiority, he expressed disgust with lent: “Going without sweets? Are you kidding me? I was tempted by Satan.”

Shocking information

Looks like the NYT just caught on to the fact that people are working for like...free. All over the place. It's crazy and no one wants to pay them because they don't need to.

Read this

All the really bad parts of Slumdog Millionaire

“The first night, sitting in my nearby hotel, I felt like I wanted to run over, pick her up, and get her an iced coffee. I didn’t want to interfere with her experience, but I had trouble minding my own business” Screenwriter Tracy Jackson quoted in the NYPOST, regarding sending her daughter for a reality check in India.

My daughter had like a mill Hermes purses and like a bajill Manolos and so I was like, “Enough is enough,” you are going to fucking India because people are fucking poor and you should know. Plus, I heard they have great markets and cheap silver. But then like when we got there it really awful because it was just like all the really bad parts of Slumdog Millionaire and none of the cool ones.

I started to get really worried that she was going to start wearing a little red dot on her forehead, which would have looked cool for a bit, but then like she had converted or something, and like, when I make a documentary about this, I don't want people to think this is some Eat, Pray, Love stuff, even thought that is absolutely where I got the idea from. I saw those beads on the the cover of the book and immediately thought, "Where can I get those?"

All I wanted to do was bring my daughter a nice Iced Coffee Frappaccino Light because it was way too hot for a real coffee, and also ice coffee is great because, like everyone knows, caffeine is an appetite suppressant. And if you’re going to India you better get thin while you’re there. Plus, during the day she was trekking around teaching English and she immediately changed. She called me over and was like, “Ummmm let’s get these kids some Toms shoes STAT” I know she would have given them her Toms from Topshop but they were the new silver ones so I totally understand.

Happy friday

Here's some music. I think I'll even blog later. It's going to be a big day.